lära mig Breaking meditera..
Hos Roxy just nu..
Nytt Liv
Breaking-sammanfattning
It's my Birthday today!
Well, I really hope Steve contacts me.. Well, if he doesn't then I know that I will always have you to catch me no matter what ;) Looove
I cried and I cried...Poor Cam
Well, today I feel great! I'm gonna listen to Cam and my Bboy! I don't need Steve! I just have to focus on beeing good all by myself without anyone. I did it once so I can do it again! :)
I can do this! I not gonna cry again cuz I'm sick of it!
Did I just do the biggest misstake of my life?
Yesterday I sent this to Steve and I have a feeling that he won't give a shit:
A letter from the bottom of my heart:
Älskling, jag har verkligen försökt gå vidare... Jag har dejtat andra killar och jag har dedikerat mig åt mina hobbys och varit på jams och en massa olika saker.. Men alla de grejerna har bara bedövat mina känslor för stunden...
Just nu är klockan 04:16 och jag kan inte ens sova eftersom att jag saknar dig. Saknaden jag haft har jag försökt dämpa genom att ligga runt med totalt sex killar. En blev jag till och med gravid med. Dock gjorde jag en abort för typ två veckor sen..
I slutändan var det ändå inte värt någonting, för jag kan fortfarande inte sluta tänka på dig. Jag önskar verkligen att det hade varit dig jag hade haft sex med och inte dem.. Om du någonsin skulle kunna tänka dig att älska mig igen, så är jag helt och hållet din till 100% ♥
. Det är dig jag vill vara med och ingen annan! Det är dig jag vill spendera resten av mitt liv med.
Well, den 12juni är det en speciell dag för mig (då jag fyller år) och jag vill inget hellre än att få vara med dig just den dagen..
På tal om datum: Jag såg dig på en flyer för Solna jamet den 15:onde juni. Kul att du kör på och gör det du är bäst på ♥ Vet inte om du vill ha mig där, men jag hade jätte-gärna kommit..
Jag vill att du ska veta att jag aldrig kommer kunna älska någon annan på samma sätt som jag älskar dig. Du är mannen i mitt liv Steve. Och jag förlorade dig...
Jag vet att folk tycker det här är "desperat", "ett sätt att hunda på", "En toffel som jagar efter kille som dumpat en" eller nått. Men det skiter jag fullständigt i! För i slutändan så älskar jag dig och jag skiter i vad folk tycker om det.. / Din Bgirl
I'm a tranvetit
Well, I don't want to be a girl anymore. I'm wondering if I should switch gender. But I really don't like surgerys so I guess that won't happend. But I really wish that I was born as a guy. I wanna look like a guy, I wanna be like a guy! I wanna swich name and I want people to call me "He"... I wanna be a guy! I hate being a girl! Maybe I should switch contry and start over as a male? I wanna be a Bboy not a f*cking Bgirl.. I wanna have muscles and I don't wanna have a possibility to get pregnant. I wanna have the social respect that is given to you just by being a guy. I wanna be the one who are f*cking and not the one who are being f*cked.. I wanna cut my nails, I wanna cut my hair, I wanna let my hair on my legs grow and I wanna have a dark voice...
I feel like the woman in "Beautiful Boxer", my favourite movie..
I don't wanna be in the category "Woman". Two days ago Me, Cam, Kalle and Winnie made a music-video to "Shivoy" and they splitted us up: Me and Winnie. Kalle and Cam...
I really didn't like that... I don't feel like a woman. I didn't choose to become a woman!! I wanted to be with the guys. And they gave the acrobatic stuff to them! I'm so pissed off right now..and I'm sad :/
I feel so bad in this long hair that I got right now... Now everyone has stopped complaining about my hair and says that it beautiful and stuff witch makes me so sad. I wish that they could tell me like "It's time to cut your hair now, don't you think?" just like if I was a guy.. I wanna be a man...
But I'm still straight and want guys to like me.. And most guys want feminin girls. This all started when I got together with Steve. I just got insecure about myself and didn't want to risk him not to like me... I know that if I do this: Make myself look like a guy and just be myself, I would loose many guys interest. And Cam is one of them.. Once he told me that I "wasn't his type" cuz I was going to get a mohook (a hairstyle) but I knew exactly what he meant. Why else wouldn't he like me? I'm like one of his best friends and It can't be by the age-differens cuz to be honest his ex Samar wasn't so much older than me.. So he just doesn't find me attractiv.. And I don't need to wonder why...
This is so sad. Whatever I choose to do.. It's gonna be painfull...
Yesterday I was a mess
I HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM :(
I CAN'T BUT I HAVE TO...
Mike, St*ve and Jan/ I don't wanna be a girl/ JT and L*fe
On my way to the Tattoo-artist I was thinking about getting an tattoo on my underarm where it would stand "Bboy", exactly the same that Jan has.. I really consider myself as a Bboy. I didn't choose to become a girl..
After that I went home.. Then Mike called.. We talked with eachother for a half an hour.. Gosh, he is beautiful. In the middle of it, when I told him about Jemy and that it's raining men for me right now, he said "Well, now you got to be carefull so I don't kiss you...nah, just kidding". I feel that it was a serious joke <3 I actually didn't wanna have s*x with S*nti in the first place cuz it would ruin my opportunity with Mike. So I have been a little intressted of him for a while now.. Well, we went to practis and I can tell you that it was a good practis! Good music! And Mike did some stuff that I never had seen him do before.. Well, after the practis we all went out to go home.. Luckely me and Mike got a little bit of time for ourself in the end when we was waiting for his train. Yes, I skipped my own train just to be with him, I admit.. Well, on my way home I was thinking about if St*ve would have accepted my friend-request, and if he hadn't I would make myself a little bit more happy by talking to Jan if he was online..
Unfortunately St*ve hadn't accepted my friend-request... :( I just wanna spent the rest of my life with him.. Is that so hard to understand? I wouldn't even look at all of this guys if it wasn't for him not loving me..
Well, Jan had sended me a massage that his internet was fucked up yesterday and that we might would speak today instead, wich we did...
Well, in the end I told him that we didn't klick.. That I searched for romance and that he searched for someone only to have s*x with.. So I dumped him even before it started.. That acctually feels good. Now I just have to focus on not writing anything to him...
One Love / Bgirl Nightsy
I guess no-one likes me :/
Then I went to my moms place.. I'm ashamed that I forgot Mothers-day yesterday.. :S Ate a little and went home. I saw this movie "Chi va vua" with K*bby and El*ana..
Well, I talked to JT on the phone and she was with J*nny, her girlfriend. After that I went online on facebook..
Jan wasn't online :S Then he turned online but didn't say Hi :(
And I called St*ve but he didn't answered. I knew that that was going to happend. I'm just stupid sometimes..
So St*ve don't want me and neither Jan :(
Nobody loves me...
Except for my Bboy ofcoz <3
Four guys on one day :P
...I saw ST*VE!!!! <3 <3 He was in a hurry, yeah right... Well I told him that I loved him and that I missed him and I kissed him. He told me that "I love you too". Maybe it was cuz I said it first. Then he said that I should call him and that we needed to talk. Well, I didn't call him. But that was a perfect ending of our relationship and that was all that I asked for <3 I will not destroy it by trying to have him back. Cuz he doesn't want me back at all. I know that, and I know that if I call, he wouldn't answer for sure...
Well, right after I meet D*mon and M*cio, and they told me that they where going to the performance "Unfamiliar faces". Well, I joined them instead of going home. Then I saw V*ctor, the cute guy from Åsa. For me it was like "wow, if I kiss this guy today then I will have kissed three guys today! :D" But I didn't get a kiss.. I just spent a little time with him and the people from Åsa right after the show.
After that I went home. Cam called! I told him about St*ve and Jemy. Gosh, I can't bealive that I was kissing Jemy for a whole day and five minutes later I kissed St*ve! <3 I love him.. Well, I was so happy that I even told Cam that I loved him so much that my hands coldn't show it! XD
Then I got inside the house again, Jan was online on Facebook. So we started talking, somehow we started talking about S*x. And he was intressted in me, wow :P But there was only one thing that irritated me. I said that I could possible fall in love with him and then he said that I should not do that and that we only should have s*x with eachother. B*TCH! I'm searching for love, not s*x...:/ I want him to fall in love with me! Not only want to have S*x with me.
I just want somebody to love me
In the right way
Today I kissed Bboy Jemy
Then I texted Jemy.. It was like "hey :) Do you wanna hang out today?" And we did, at first I had a great time with him, laughting and stuff.. Then he pulled me close to him. I actually liked that.. But then he kissed me.. To be honest it was an awful kiss. He grabbed one of my boobs emediately.. Eww, I really didn't like that. Then he was touching my ass, under my pants.. And that feelt awful. It was desgusting. Well, he was really attractive untill the moment he kissed me. He just did it soooo WRONG! And he has a fianceey.. So I stopped wich I'm very proud of and said "Your very attractive but I don't want to kiss you cuz you have a girlfriend". It was hard but I did it. This has happened with me to many times.. Fist with St*fan and then with Fre*ze. Now I learned my lesson.
If he likes me, he will leave the other girl for me. If he doesn't do that, it only means that he is a cheater! Well, he told me that he could do that for me and that he liked me and that I could be his girlfriend..
Well, as I learned from St*ve.. He got to prove it and stand for what he says. Actions speak louder than words.. Well, he is attractive and I will need someone to have s*x with when I stop bleeding (and a boyfriend). So I wish he makes this right. Or else he can go to hell!
Long time ago I got this swolen eyes :/
It was a looong time ago I had this swolen eyes.. I think it was like back in the days when I had a total crush on Fre*ze or when I got bulliet with R*xy at school. I can't continou like this....
I got to find a way to make myself so happy that I would never cry again. I'm so sick of crying and I don't wanna do it anymore. If I continou like this, then love will get me killed some day.. :S
Well, I just got 200kr from my dad. Yeay. I better start saving the money cuz I just might need it a beautiful day.
I think I wanna go to that trip to South Africa to meet St*fan again..It would be a fun trip. But I don't know if I should. He choosed his girlfriend instead of me. I'm just stupid to still like him. I thought it was something special, but if I look at the facts, like that I never heard from him again, it proves that it wasn't. Why do I always get a very bad eye-opener all the time when it comes to love? Can't I just get the fairytale that I wanted?
Can't stop crying!!! :'(
Now I can't sleep cuz I'm crying to much. I miss St*ve so much :( He dumped me... I wish he never had done that. I wish he loved me. I wish that he would have stayed. I never knew I could feel this much pain... I really loved him with all my heart. I'm suffering so much right now :( I can't stand it...
Jan Ma*era & St*ve
Men han slutade svara helt plötsligt, sen logga jag ut för att jag ville sova.
Gosh, jag vill ha äkta kärlek for gods sake. Jag är trött på att ligga runt..
Well, över till idag. Saknar St*ve lite. Önskar att han aldrig hade dumpat mig. Då hade jag inte behövt gå igenom det här. Önskar att han skulle älska mig på det sättet han gjorde i början av relationen innan han blev en complete wh*re! :/
Önskar jag hade en kille som älskar mig för den jag är. Amen!
RIP Totito :'(
The abortion
Yesterday I went to the hospital with JT at 07:00. We were 15minutes late but they really didn't care. They gave me four small pills that I had to put into the vag*na and two pills, alvedon or ipren, to swallow. Then I had to wait.. It didn't happened anything for an hour and I thought I was blessed or something. But then I had to go to the toilett and that started everything. I didn't trow up or anything. Instead it felt like my vag*na was going to vomit.. You know the bad feeling you have before vomit? That was like my vag*na felt like. Just sick and wanted everything to be done. But to be honest I thought that it was going to be much worse. I mean today I feel great!
Anyway, I ate a little bit and JT bought me a banana <3 She stayed with me untill 14:00. She stayed with me for seven hours! She's really one of my best friend! I love her! :)
After that she went home and I went to see Cam. He actually called two times when I was at the hospital. I meet him in Vårberg. Well, after I went to the bathroom cuz I was bleeding as hell. He had a "Bulle" for me :). Well, we sat down and starte talking about Fre*ze and everything. And he asked "Did you learn anything?" and like "Use protection" wich irritaded me soo much! "I KNOW YOU MOTHERF*CKER!!!" I was thinking. But then he put a comment like "Man, I really feel like a dad to you". I thought that was cute. Well, we went to his place. Then we went out again to eat, he invited :) The food tasted good! It was like pasta with Oxfile and stuff. Then we went to his place again. At one moment he layed down on his bed and I layed down next to him. Tryin to sleep. But it didn't went so good cuz we heard a bii (creap).. Well, then we was going to Emm*'s job. Before we went there I just had to go to the bathroom and switch binda.. Then When I was going to throw it I saw two open condoms.. And then we went to her job. I asked him "Who have you been sleeping with?". At first he didn't wanted to tell me who. But then he said "S*nni".. I got hurt.. I was so sad when I heard that. What do S*nni got, that me myself, don't have? Why didn't Cam want me in the first place? Am I not attractive or am I to manly? Do have to me more f*cking lady-like to have him? B*TCH!! :( I don't know if I still have feelings for him. And he told me that he would stop smoking if Sa*ar (his ex) and him got together again wich means that he got feelings for her. And still he's sleeping with S*nni? When he said that he thought that s*x was something heligt he was just talking bullshit! Cuz now it seems like his doin it with someone he doesn't have his whole attention at.
Then we were at Emm*s place. To be real, I only wanted to be with Cam. But it was OK. After that Cam left. And I started to cry becauze of the S*nni-thing. Why didn't he love me instead? Why couldn't he have s*x with me that night month ago? Well, I think I'm honestly in love with him (and many others). Because everytime I see him I fall in love all over again. But I don't want to be in love.. Look what love has done to me! Well, Emm* didn't notice anything. We went home to here place and watch the movie "Älska mig igen". I was kinda good but not that good. Gabr*el came too. Cam called once again to see how I was feeling. Maybe he starts to like me now when I showing no interest? Well, I told him to check out the song "Bromance" that JT dedicated to me. He laughted.. After the movie we went to bed. Talked a little bit about the abortion. And falled asleep. Then I woke up. And now I'm writing this. I think I will eat breakfast now...
FUCK LOVE! / Nightsy
A letter to my Bboy
It's so hard to not cross the "Just-friends-line" with a guy that yu really like and adore and love. I mean, I still wanna take a tattoo with his name on it. Like: "Bboy Cam", on the arm..
My Bboy.. What do you have to say about that? Why can't I just be yours. Why do my heart cheat on you? I love you so much and I know you love me even if I look att other guys.. I hope you can forgive me some day for everything I have been putting you through. I know that you can feel my pain. I wish that I could love you and only you. But god or something created me this way, not able to love only you. And I know that you accept me for that and I know you love me more then I can ever love you. But one thing you need to know is that you mean everything to me. Your my world and I love you even when I feel that your not there enymore. You will always live within my heart. Gosh, I'm crying right now. I love you so much. No one would ever understand...
<3
Fre*ze reaction on the pregnancy
Jag: Yo, jag pissa på en sticka nyss.. Resultatet blev "Gravid 3+"
Fre*ze: Hur långt ska du ta det här? Låt mig vara. Jag har aldrig gjort dig något.
Jag: Gav dig bara informationen...
Fre*ze:Du kan behålla den infon och all annan info för dig själv. Varken jag eller Car*o vill ha med dig att göra. Du har förstört tillräckligt mycket. Vi vill aldrig mer ha ett text, samtal eller liknande. Om jag ser dig på träning eller jam. Hälsa inte på mig. Kom helst inte i min närhet. Snacka inte om mig så snackar inte jag om dig. Ok?
Jag: Det var du som var otrogen. Inte jag. Gör inte saker som du inte kan stå för. Jag har inte förstört ett shit. Att du ens vågar försöka lägga skulden på mig.
Fre*ze: Ge dig. Lägger inget på någon. Låt mig bara vara.
Jag: Okei. Jag trodde verkligen man skulle säga till om man blev gravid med nån. Man blir ju inte gravid på egen hand precis.. Men alla tänker olika och det respekterar jag. Jag låter dig vara nu. Wish u the best (även om det verkar ologiskt). Du har betyt väldigt mycket för mig (som danslärare och person). Hej då Fre*ze..
