Yesterday I was a mess
I HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM :(
I CAN'T BUT I HAVE TO...
Mike, St*ve and Jan/ I don't wanna be a girl/ JT and L*fe
On my way to the Tattoo-artist I was thinking about getting an tattoo on my underarm where it would stand "Bboy", exactly the same that Jan has.. I really consider myself as a Bboy. I didn't choose to become a girl..
After that I went home.. Then Mike called.. We talked with eachother for a half an hour.. Gosh, he is beautiful. In the middle of it, when I told him about Jemy and that it's raining men for me right now, he said "Well, now you got to be carefull so I don't kiss you...nah, just kidding". I feel that it was a serious joke <3 I actually didn't wanna have s*x with S*nti in the first place cuz it would ruin my opportunity with Mike. So I have been a little intressted of him for a while now.. Well, we went to practis and I can tell you that it was a good practis! Good music! And Mike did some stuff that I never had seen him do before.. Well, after the practis we all went out to go home.. Luckely me and Mike got a little bit of time for ourself in the end when we was waiting for his train. Yes, I skipped my own train just to be with him, I admit.. Well, on my way home I was thinking about if St*ve would have accepted my friend-request, and if he hadn't I would make myself a little bit more happy by talking to Jan if he was online..
Unfortunately St*ve hadn't accepted my friend-request... :( I just wanna spent the rest of my life with him.. Is that so hard to understand? I wouldn't even look at all of this guys if it wasn't for him not loving me..
Well, Jan had sended me a massage that his internet was fucked up yesterday and that we might would speak today instead, wich we did...
Well, in the end I told him that we didn't klick.. That I searched for romance and that he searched for someone only to have s*x with.. So I dumped him even before it started.. That acctually feels good. Now I just have to focus on not writing anything to him...
One Love / Bgirl Nightsy
I guess no-one likes me :/
Then I went to my moms place.. I'm ashamed that I forgot Mothers-day yesterday.. :S Ate a little and went home. I saw this movie "Chi va vua" with K*bby and El*ana..
Well, I talked to JT on the phone and she was with J*nny, her girlfriend. After that I went online on facebook..
Jan wasn't online :S Then he turned online but didn't say Hi :(
And I called St*ve but he didn't answered. I knew that that was going to happend. I'm just stupid sometimes..
So St*ve don't want me and neither Jan :(
Nobody loves me...
Except for my Bboy ofcoz <3
Four guys on one day :P
...I saw ST*VE!!!! <3 <3 He was in a hurry, yeah right... Well I told him that I loved him and that I missed him and I kissed him. He told me that "I love you too". Maybe it was cuz I said it first. Then he said that I should call him and that we needed to talk. Well, I didn't call him. But that was a perfect ending of our relationship and that was all that I asked for <3 I will not destroy it by trying to have him back. Cuz he doesn't want me back at all. I know that, and I know that if I call, he wouldn't answer for sure...
Well, right after I meet D*mon and M*cio, and they told me that they where going to the performance "Unfamiliar faces". Well, I joined them instead of going home. Then I saw V*ctor, the cute guy from Åsa. For me it was like "wow, if I kiss this guy today then I will have kissed three guys today! :D" But I didn't get a kiss.. I just spent a little time with him and the people from Åsa right after the show.
After that I went home. Cam called! I told him about St*ve and Jemy. Gosh, I can't bealive that I was kissing Jemy for a whole day and five minutes later I kissed St*ve! <3 I love him.. Well, I was so happy that I even told Cam that I loved him so much that my hands coldn't show it! XD
Then I got inside the house again, Jan was online on Facebook. So we started talking, somehow we started talking about S*x. And he was intressted in me, wow :P But there was only one thing that irritated me. I said that I could possible fall in love with him and then he said that I should not do that and that we only should have s*x with eachother. B*TCH! I'm searching for love, not s*x...:/ I want him to fall in love with me! Not only want to have S*x with me.
I just want somebody to love me
In the right way
Today I kissed Bboy Jemy
Then I texted Jemy.. It was like "hey :) Do you wanna hang out today?" And we did, at first I had a great time with him, laughting and stuff.. Then he pulled me close to him. I actually liked that.. But then he kissed me.. To be honest it was an awful kiss. He grabbed one of my boobs emediately.. Eww, I really didn't like that. Then he was touching my ass, under my pants.. And that feelt awful. It was desgusting. Well, he was really attractive untill the moment he kissed me. He just did it soooo WRONG! And he has a fianceey.. So I stopped wich I'm very proud of and said "Your very attractive but I don't want to kiss you cuz you have a girlfriend". It was hard but I did it. This has happened with me to many times.. Fist with St*fan and then with Fre*ze. Now I learned my lesson.
If he likes me, he will leave the other girl for me. If he doesn't do that, it only means that he is a cheater! Well, he told me that he could do that for me and that he liked me and that I could be his girlfriend..
Well, as I learned from St*ve.. He got to prove it and stand for what he says. Actions speak louder than words.. Well, he is attractive and I will need someone to have s*x with when I stop bleeding (and a boyfriend). So I wish he makes this right. Or else he can go to hell!
Long time ago I got this swolen eyes :/
It was a looong time ago I had this swolen eyes.. I think it was like back in the days when I had a total crush on Fre*ze or when I got bulliet with R*xy at school. I can't continou like this....
I got to find a way to make myself so happy that I would never cry again. I'm so sick of crying and I don't wanna do it anymore. If I continou like this, then love will get me killed some day.. :S
Well, I just got 200kr from my dad. Yeay. I better start saving the money cuz I just might need it a beautiful day.
I think I wanna go to that trip to South Africa to meet St*fan again..It would be a fun trip. But I don't know if I should. He choosed his girlfriend instead of me. I'm just stupid to still like him. I thought it was something special, but if I look at the facts, like that I never heard from him again, it proves that it wasn't. Why do I always get a very bad eye-opener all the time when it comes to love? Can't I just get the fairytale that I wanted?
Can't stop crying!!! :'(
Now I can't sleep cuz I'm crying to much. I miss St*ve so much :( He dumped me... I wish he never had done that. I wish he loved me. I wish that he would have stayed. I never knew I could feel this much pain... I really loved him with all my heart. I'm suffering so much right now :( I can't stand it...
Jan Ma*era & St*ve
Men han slutade svara helt plötsligt, sen logga jag ut för att jag ville sova.
Gosh, jag vill ha äkta kärlek for gods sake. Jag är trött på att ligga runt..
Well, över till idag. Saknar St*ve lite. Önskar att han aldrig hade dumpat mig. Då hade jag inte behövt gå igenom det här. Önskar att han skulle älska mig på det sättet han gjorde i början av relationen innan han blev en complete wh*re! :/
Önskar jag hade en kille som älskar mig för den jag är. Amen!
RIP Totito :'(
The abortion
Yesterday I went to the hospital with JT at 07:00. We were 15minutes late but they really didn't care. They gave me four small pills that I had to put into the vag*na and two pills, alvedon or ipren, to swallow. Then I had to wait.. It didn't happened anything for an hour and I thought I was blessed or something. But then I had to go to the toilett and that started everything. I didn't trow up or anything. Instead it felt like my vag*na was going to vomit.. You know the bad feeling you have before vomit? That was like my vag*na felt like. Just sick and wanted everything to be done. But to be honest I thought that it was going to be much worse. I mean today I feel great!
Anyway, I ate a little bit and JT bought me a banana <3 She stayed with me untill 14:00. She stayed with me for seven hours! She's really one of my best friend! I love her! :)
After that she went home and I went to see Cam. He actually called two times when I was at the hospital. I meet him in Vårberg. Well, after I went to the bathroom cuz I was bleeding as hell. He had a "Bulle" for me :). Well, we sat down and starte talking about Fre*ze and everything. And he asked "Did you learn anything?" and like "Use protection" wich irritaded me soo much! "I KNOW YOU MOTHERF*CKER!!!" I was thinking. But then he put a comment like "Man, I really feel like a dad to you". I thought that was cute. Well, we went to his place. Then we went out again to eat, he invited :) The food tasted good! It was like pasta with Oxfile and stuff. Then we went to his place again. At one moment he layed down on his bed and I layed down next to him. Tryin to sleep. But it didn't went so good cuz we heard a bii (creap).. Well, then we was going to Emm*'s job. Before we went there I just had to go to the bathroom and switch binda.. Then When I was going to throw it I saw two open condoms.. And then we went to her job. I asked him "Who have you been sleeping with?". At first he didn't wanted to tell me who. But then he said "S*nni".. I got hurt.. I was so sad when I heard that. What do S*nni got, that me myself, don't have? Why didn't Cam want me in the first place? Am I not attractive or am I to manly? Do have to me more f*cking lady-like to have him? B*TCH!! :( I don't know if I still have feelings for him. And he told me that he would stop smoking if Sa*ar (his ex) and him got together again wich means that he got feelings for her. And still he's sleeping with S*nni? When he said that he thought that s*x was something heligt he was just talking bullshit! Cuz now it seems like his doin it with someone he doesn't have his whole attention at.
Then we were at Emm*s place. To be real, I only wanted to be with Cam. But it was OK. After that Cam left. And I started to cry becauze of the S*nni-thing. Why didn't he love me instead? Why couldn't he have s*x with me that night month ago? Well, I think I'm honestly in love with him (and many others). Because everytime I see him I fall in love all over again. But I don't want to be in love.. Look what love has done to me! Well, Emm* didn't notice anything. We went home to here place and watch the movie "Älska mig igen". I was kinda good but not that good. Gabr*el came too. Cam called once again to see how I was feeling. Maybe he starts to like me now when I showing no interest? Well, I told him to check out the song "Bromance" that JT dedicated to me. He laughted.. After the movie we went to bed. Talked a little bit about the abortion. And falled asleep. Then I woke up. And now I'm writing this. I think I will eat breakfast now...
FUCK LOVE! / Nightsy
A letter to my Bboy
It's so hard to not cross the "Just-friends-line" with a guy that yu really like and adore and love. I mean, I still wanna take a tattoo with his name on it. Like: "Bboy Cam", on the arm..
My Bboy.. What do you have to say about that? Why can't I just be yours. Why do my heart cheat on you? I love you so much and I know you love me even if I look att other guys.. I hope you can forgive me some day for everything I have been putting you through. I know that you can feel my pain. I wish that I could love you and only you. But god or something created me this way, not able to love only you. And I know that you accept me for that and I know you love me more then I can ever love you. But one thing you need to know is that you mean everything to me. Your my world and I love you even when I feel that your not there enymore. You will always live within my heart. Gosh, I'm crying right now. I love you so much. No one would ever understand...
<3
Fre*ze reaction on the pregnancy
Jag: Yo, jag pissa på en sticka nyss.. Resultatet blev "Gravid 3+"
Fre*ze: Hur långt ska du ta det här? Låt mig vara. Jag har aldrig gjort dig något.
Jag: Gav dig bara informationen...
Fre*ze:Du kan behålla den infon och all annan info för dig själv. Varken jag eller Car*o vill ha med dig att göra. Du har förstört tillräckligt mycket. Vi vill aldrig mer ha ett text, samtal eller liknande. Om jag ser dig på träning eller jam. Hälsa inte på mig. Kom helst inte i min närhet. Snacka inte om mig så snackar inte jag om dig. Ok?
Jag: Det var du som var otrogen. Inte jag. Gör inte saker som du inte kan stå för. Jag har inte förstört ett shit. Att du ens vågar försöka lägga skulden på mig.
Fre*ze: Ge dig. Lägger inget på någon. Låt mig bara vara.
Jag: Okei. Jag trodde verkligen man skulle säga till om man blev gravid med nån. Man blir ju inte gravid på egen hand precis.. Men alla tänker olika och det respekterar jag. Jag låter dig vara nu. Wish u the best (även om det verkar ologiskt). Du har betyt väldigt mycket för mig (som danslärare och person). Hej då Fre*ze..
I'm bleeding..
Well, Fre*ze is a dushbag I can tell after all he has done. MOTHERF*CKER!!!! But still, he acted professional. And if I get in to the school I might even respect him for being professional.. I know I deserve to get in this school. I know that I worked hard and I know that it showed of. Come on, I did a f*cking running-test and fysical-strength-test even If I was pregnant!! I was thinking "I don't give a f*ck if my baby gets hurt, cuz I'm not gonna keep it". Sad but true...
Then there was this cute guy "V*ctor". Gosh, he was beautiful! I told him that I was pregnant, but not that It was Fre*ze that I was pregnant with.. Well, that got me thinking.. Maybe I should protect myself with something safer than a condom? I mean, I really hate everything that has to do with s*x right now, just because I'm pregnant. But I can't help the attraction I feel when I start to fall in love. And if I keep on falling in love, I just might get the guy and then It would be hard to refuse.. I should maybe do everything a little bit easier by takin the god damn "thing" that they put up in the vag*na just to be sure that I won't get pregnant for another five years..
I mean: If I get attracted to someone now after all of this.. Then It's obvious that I can't control my feelings.
Gosh, I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I couldn't. Something said stop. I think I wanted him to make the first move.. And I wasn't alowed to have s*x with anyone while doing this treatment that they gave me..
Gravid 3+
Igår
Gråter
Hope I'm not pregnant!
I haven't got my period yet.. And the last day I had it was the 4April. And now it's 3Maj. So I'm kinda worried. If it doesn't come today, I might consider to do a pregnansy-test tomorrow. PLEASE! I DON'T WANNA BE PREGNANT! :(
Today I plan to do like everything on my 100-things to do list :D
Romeo And Juliet
Dreaming with a broken heart..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cufPoqE21ko
Well, It's hard when the first thing on your mind is your ex. I can't help it.. :( I even woke up in the middle of the night because of it.. Well today it's sunny outside..
Btw, I pray to god (even if I don't bealive in god) that I will get my period soon. I should get it any day now. Please, Please, Please! I don't wanna be pregnant!
IF I'm pregnant, the father could be Fr*eze or San*i. I had S*x with Fr*eze the 4April and with San*i the 15April.
Bad cryin habit..
Diamond Blood (the movie) made me get tears.. I think that I cry to often so I tried to stop myself before I really started crying. I think this crying-thing is a bad habit..
I also felt a little bad today. I mean, what is the fu*king point with my life?
I just wanna be happy and have the greatest happines of all.. The question is..How do I get happiness?
100things to do list :)
Right now I got alot of freetime because I don't have a job or school. So I made up a 100things to do list for myself.
100Things to do:
1. Paint the Nails- Nailart
2. Straightening my hair
3. Shave my legs
4. Braiding my hair (with extensions)
5. Wax my p**sy
6. Take care of my skin with body-lotion
7. Take away "Stair-way to heaven"
8. Fix my eye-brows
9. Take away my "mustash"
(Gosh, it's hard being a hairy woman :P )
10. Cut of babyhair that isn't nessesary
11. Play with make up
12. Brusch my teeth
13. Put on some juleries (neckless, earings etc)
14. Look up events on Facebook
15. Read a book
16. Shoose a outfit
17. Photograf
18. Watch a movie
19. Make plans
20. Practis
21. Eat
23. Try new recipies
24. Take a walk
25. Sleep
26. Go on massage
27. Shoppin/buying stuff or food
28. Shave my head
29. Dress myself as a man
30. Paint
31. Do an "armband"
32. Clean up my house
33. Put on my contact-eyes
34. Be with my Bboy
35. Write a letter to my Bboy
36. Wax or shave the hair under the arms
37. Take off my contact-eyes
38. Stretch
39. Create goals, small goals to get to the main goal and schedules
40. Write in this Blogg
41. Sing
42. Shower
43. Go to the toilett
44. Bake a cake or something
45. Think positive
46. Wash my face
47. Take away make up
Well, I have to finish the list.. :P
JT made my day
I felt so lonely today and I really felt like crying many times. But I didn't let myself cuz I got to stop with that...
Well, I was watchin some tutorials on youtube on how to aply make up. Yeay.. Then I decides to buy a pilet with eye-shadows and go to the library and get two books about makeup. After that I meet JT <3 She's one of my best friends. Guess I'm not so lonely after all.. We took a long walk. Then we stoped to get a chocolate lyx-shake from Max. 
