lära mig Breaking meditera..
Fyfan...mitt liv bara går och går.. Måste göra någonting innan jag där! Jag hinner bokstavligen inte slösa bort min tid på killar! Och jag kan äntligen säga FUCK FREEZE FUCK STEVE OCH FUCK resten! Nu måste jag fokusera på mig själv. Mitt liv ska inte gå till spillo...
Hos Roxy just nu..
Var på "Light-house-jamet" igår.. Var med Akira! Han är så jävla fin! Bästa personen ever! <3 Vi drog till "Tap-festivalen" efteråt. Och efter det på någon efterfest.. Hade ingenstans att sova. Men jag låtsades som att jag hade det framför Akira. Sluta med att jag sov över hos Ilan. Inte bästa iden kanske.. men aja..
Nytt Liv
Från och med idag tänker jag leva som en Robot och bara göra det som jag borde/ska göra..
Det har varit för mycket drama i mitt liv. Steve är nog den personen som jag har haft svårast att släppa. Han är ju en dushbag, lol!!! XD Nä, men nu ska jag borta tänderna, laga mat, klä på mig, planera dagen osv. Tänk: Robot! Kärlek och Respekt/ Daisy
Breaking-sammanfattning
Idag har jag bara suttit och gjort tränings-scheman... Måste bli klar innan jag börjar skolan! Btw, här är en ny sida som jag vill kolla i lite senare: http://ladyluckbeauty.blogspot.se
It's my Birthday today!
I think I will be with my Bboy! <3 I love you :D
Well, I really hope Steve contacts me.. Well, if he doesn't then I know that I will always have you to catch me no matter what ;) Looove
Well, I really hope Steve contacts me.. Well, if he doesn't then I know that I will always have you to catch me no matter what ;) Looove
I cried and I cried...Poor Cam
Honestly I feel really sorry for Cam. Yesterday I felt soooo baad! I felt so lonely and all I really needed was Steve. I missed him and I was so sad that he hadn't answered on any on my phone-call, friend-request, mail or anything. Well, I went to practis and Freeze was there wich made me feel worse.. In the end of the practis I started crying on my way down the stairs.. Fruta and Patrik was like "Daisy..Hellow?" But I keeped on walking.. On my way home I wrote to Cam like: Your the best and I only have luck to be your friend. Then he called me. And he noticed that something was wrong even if I tried my best to hide it.. A little bit later I really started crying, and I called him. He listened to me until I stopped crying.. And that was like 3 o'klock in the night. And he had to go to work today I think.. Poor Cam..
Well, today I feel great! I'm gonna listen to Cam and my Bboy! I don't need Steve! I just have to focus on beeing good all by myself without anyone. I did it once so I can do it again! :)
I can do this! I not gonna cry again cuz I'm sick of it!
Well, today I feel great! I'm gonna listen to Cam and my Bboy! I don't need Steve! I just have to focus on beeing good all by myself without anyone. I did it once so I can do it again! :)
I can do this! I not gonna cry again cuz I'm sick of it!
Did I just do the biggest misstake of my life?
Yesterday I sent this to Steve and I have a feeling that he won't give a shit:
A letter from the bottom of my heart:
Älskling, jag har verkligen försökt gå vidare... Jag har dejtat andra killar och jag har dedikerat mig åt mina hobbys och varit på jams och en massa olika saker.. Men alla de grejerna har bara bedövat mina känslor för stunden...
Just nu är klockan 04:16 och jag kan inte ens sova eftersom att jag saknar dig. Saknaden jag haft har jag försökt dämpa genom att ligga runt med totalt sex killar. En blev jag till och med gravid med. Dock gjorde jag en abort för typ två veckor sen..
I slutändan var det ändå inte värt någonting, för jag kan fortfarande inte sluta tänka på dig. Jag önskar verkligen att det hade varit dig jag hade haft sex med och inte dem.. Om du någonsin skulle kunna tänka dig att älska mig igen, så är jag helt och hållet din till 100% ♥
. Det är dig jag vill vara med och ingen annan! Det är dig jag vill spendera resten av mitt liv med.
Well, den 12juni är det en speciell dag för mig (då jag fyller år) och jag vill inget hellre än att få vara med dig just den dagen..
På tal om datum: Jag såg dig på en flyer för Solna jamet den 15:onde juni. Kul att du kör på och gör det du är bäst på ♥ Vet inte om du vill ha mig där, men jag hade jätte-gärna kommit..
Jag vill att du ska veta att jag aldrig kommer kunna älska någon annan på samma sätt som jag älskar dig. Du är mannen i mitt liv Steve. Och jag förlorade dig...
Jag vet att folk tycker det här är "desperat", "ett sätt att hunda på", "En toffel som jagar efter kille som dumpat en" eller nått. Men det skiter jag fullständigt i! För i slutändan så älskar jag dig och jag skiter i vad folk tycker om det.. / Din Bgirl
I'm a tranvetit
Today practis was caceled again, Today I hang around with Jemy again and today he was kissing me in a desgusting way again... Well, all I can say is that I really need love...From Steve and no-one else, but I think Jemy was the best I could do for the moment. Today I got soooo irritaded on him "No, don't cut your hair", "Don't you like this high-heels-shoes?" and "I want to eat you" and then he said women can not "eat". So basicly what he said was that a guy is f*cking and a woman is being f*cked. Well, then fuck him! Idiot! He's not getting me in bed with all off that crap of his!
Well, I don't want to be a girl anymore. I'm wondering if I should switch gender. But I really don't like surgerys so I guess that won't happend. But I really wish that I was born as a guy. I wanna look like a guy, I wanna be like a guy! I wanna swich name and I want people to call me "He"... I wanna be a guy! I hate being a girl! Maybe I should switch contry and start over as a male? I wanna be a Bboy not a f*cking Bgirl.. I wanna have muscles and I don't wanna have a possibility to get pregnant. I wanna have the social respect that is given to you just by being a guy. I wanna be the one who are f*cking and not the one who are being f*cked.. I wanna cut my nails, I wanna cut my hair, I wanna let my hair on my legs grow and I wanna have a dark voice...
I feel like the woman in "Beautiful Boxer", my favourite movie..
I don't wanna be in the category "Woman". Two days ago Me, Cam, Kalle and Winnie made a music-video to "Shivoy" and they splitted us up: Me and Winnie. Kalle and Cam...
I really didn't like that... I don't feel like a woman. I didn't choose to become a woman!! I wanted to be with the guys. And they gave the acrobatic stuff to them! I'm so pissed off right now..and I'm sad :/
I feel so bad in this long hair that I got right now... Now everyone has stopped complaining about my hair and says that it beautiful and stuff witch makes me so sad. I wish that they could tell me like "It's time to cut your hair now, don't you think?" just like if I was a guy.. I wanna be a man...
But I'm still straight and want guys to like me.. And most guys want feminin girls. This all started when I got together with Steve. I just got insecure about myself and didn't want to risk him not to like me... I know that if I do this: Make myself look like a guy and just be myself, I would loose many guys interest. And Cam is one of them.. Once he told me that I "wasn't his type" cuz I was going to get a mohook (a hairstyle) but I knew exactly what he meant. Why else wouldn't he like me? I'm like one of his best friends and It can't be by the age-differens cuz to be honest his ex Samar wasn't so much older than me.. So he just doesn't find me attractiv.. And I don't need to wonder why...
This is so sad. Whatever I choose to do.. It's gonna be painfull...
Well, I don't want to be a girl anymore. I'm wondering if I should switch gender. But I really don't like surgerys so I guess that won't happend. But I really wish that I was born as a guy. I wanna look like a guy, I wanna be like a guy! I wanna swich name and I want people to call me "He"... I wanna be a guy! I hate being a girl! Maybe I should switch contry and start over as a male? I wanna be a Bboy not a f*cking Bgirl.. I wanna have muscles and I don't wanna have a possibility to get pregnant. I wanna have the social respect that is given to you just by being a guy. I wanna be the one who are f*cking and not the one who are being f*cked.. I wanna cut my nails, I wanna cut my hair, I wanna let my hair on my legs grow and I wanna have a dark voice...
I feel like the woman in "Beautiful Boxer", my favourite movie..
I don't wanna be in the category "Woman". Two days ago Me, Cam, Kalle and Winnie made a music-video to "Shivoy" and they splitted us up: Me and Winnie. Kalle and Cam...
I really didn't like that... I don't feel like a woman. I didn't choose to become a woman!! I wanted to be with the guys. And they gave the acrobatic stuff to them! I'm so pissed off right now..and I'm sad :/
I feel so bad in this long hair that I got right now... Now everyone has stopped complaining about my hair and says that it beautiful and stuff witch makes me so sad. I wish that they could tell me like "It's time to cut your hair now, don't you think?" just like if I was a guy.. I wanna be a man...
But I'm still straight and want guys to like me.. And most guys want feminin girls. This all started when I got together with Steve. I just got insecure about myself and didn't want to risk him not to like me... I know that if I do this: Make myself look like a guy and just be myself, I would loose many guys interest. And Cam is one of them.. Once he told me that I "wasn't his type" cuz I was going to get a mohook (a hairstyle) but I knew exactly what he meant. Why else wouldn't he like me? I'm like one of his best friends and It can't be by the age-differens cuz to be honest his ex Samar wasn't so much older than me.. So he just doesn't find me attractiv.. And I don't need to wonder why...
This is so sad. Whatever I choose to do.. It's gonna be painfull...
Yesterday I was a mess
Yesterday I called St*ve again...And started Crying...Again... I was so fucking heartbroken! I even searched on youtube on how to heal a broken heart...
I HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM :(
I CAN'T BUT I HAVE TO...
I HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM :(
I CAN'T BUT I HAVE TO...
Mike, St*ve and Jan/ I don't wanna be a girl/ JT and L*fe
Today I went to the Tattoo-studio to join Bboy L*fe and leave back Carlos shirt.. I went there with JT.. After that JT and I went to make a s*x-test for her, but they didn't have a time so we went to look at some shoes and eat..
On my way to the Tattoo-artist I was thinking about getting an tattoo on my underarm where it would stand "Bboy", exactly the same that Jan has.. I really consider myself as a Bboy. I didn't choose to become a girl..
After that I went home.. Then Mike called.. We talked with eachother for a half an hour.. Gosh, he is beautiful. In the middle of it, when I told him about Jemy and that it's raining men for me right now, he said "Well, now you got to be carefull so I don't kiss you...nah, just kidding". I feel that it was a serious joke <3 I actually didn't wanna have s*x with S*nti in the first place cuz it would ruin my opportunity with Mike. So I have been a little intressted of him for a while now.. Well, we went to practis and I can tell you that it was a good practis! Good music! And Mike did some stuff that I never had seen him do before.. Well, after the practis we all went out to go home.. Luckely me and Mike got a little bit of time for ourself in the end when we was waiting for his train. Yes, I skipped my own train just to be with him, I admit.. Well, on my way home I was thinking about if St*ve would have accepted my friend-request, and if he hadn't I would make myself a little bit more happy by talking to Jan if he was online..
Unfortunately St*ve hadn't accepted my friend-request... :( I just wanna spent the rest of my life with him.. Is that so hard to understand? I wouldn't even look at all of this guys if it wasn't for him not loving me..
Well, Jan had sended me a massage that his internet was fucked up yesterday and that we might would speak today instead, wich we did...
Well, in the end I told him that we didn't klick.. That I searched for romance and that he searched for someone only to have s*x with.. So I dumped him even before it started.. That acctually feels good. Now I just have to focus on not writing anything to him...
One Love / Bgirl Nightsy
On my way to the Tattoo-artist I was thinking about getting an tattoo on my underarm where it would stand "Bboy", exactly the same that Jan has.. I really consider myself as a Bboy. I didn't choose to become a girl..
After that I went home.. Then Mike called.. We talked with eachother for a half an hour.. Gosh, he is beautiful. In the middle of it, when I told him about Jemy and that it's raining men for me right now, he said "Well, now you got to be carefull so I don't kiss you...nah, just kidding". I feel that it was a serious joke <3 I actually didn't wanna have s*x with S*nti in the first place cuz it would ruin my opportunity with Mike. So I have been a little intressted of him for a while now.. Well, we went to practis and I can tell you that it was a good practis! Good music! And Mike did some stuff that I never had seen him do before.. Well, after the practis we all went out to go home.. Luckely me and Mike got a little bit of time for ourself in the end when we was waiting for his train. Yes, I skipped my own train just to be with him, I admit.. Well, on my way home I was thinking about if St*ve would have accepted my friend-request, and if he hadn't I would make myself a little bit more happy by talking to Jan if he was online..
Unfortunately St*ve hadn't accepted my friend-request... :( I just wanna spent the rest of my life with him.. Is that so hard to understand? I wouldn't even look at all of this guys if it wasn't for him not loving me..
Well, Jan had sended me a massage that his internet was fucked up yesterday and that we might would speak today instead, wich we did...
Well, in the end I told him that we didn't klick.. That I searched for romance and that he searched for someone only to have s*x with.. So I dumped him even before it started.. That acctually feels good. Now I just have to focus on not writing anything to him...
One Love / Bgirl Nightsy
I guess no-one likes me :/
Well, today I was listening to all the love-music I could listen to for five hours. I was like having a disco for myself :P
Then I went to my moms place.. I'm ashamed that I forgot Mothers-day yesterday.. :S Ate a little and went home. I saw this movie "Chi va vua" with K*bby and El*ana..
Well, I talked to JT on the phone and she was with J*nny, her girlfriend. After that I went online on facebook..
Jan wasn't online :S Then he turned online but didn't say Hi :(
And I called St*ve but he didn't answered. I knew that that was going to happend. I'm just stupid sometimes..
So St*ve don't want me and neither Jan :(
Nobody loves me...
Except for my Bboy ofcoz <3
Then I went to my moms place.. I'm ashamed that I forgot Mothers-day yesterday.. :S Ate a little and went home. I saw this movie "Chi va vua" with K*bby and El*ana..
Well, I talked to JT on the phone and she was with J*nny, her girlfriend. After that I went online on facebook..
Jan wasn't online :S Then he turned online but didn't say Hi :(
And I called St*ve but he didn't answered. I knew that that was going to happend. I'm just stupid sometimes..
So St*ve don't want me and neither Jan :(
Nobody loves me...
Except for my Bboy ofcoz <3
Four guys on one day :P
Well, I went to practis but it was canceled. But I meet Jemy instead because he was going to this practis too. Well we spent hours together. Kissing, hugging and stuff. I pretended that he didn't have a girlfriend just because I really wanted some love att that time. Well, we said goodbye and then on my way home while I was waiting for the train...
...I saw ST*VE!!!! <3 <3 He was in a hurry, yeah right... Well I told him that I loved him and that I missed him and I kissed him. He told me that "I love you too". Maybe it was cuz I said it first. Then he said that I should call him and that we needed to talk. Well, I didn't call him. But that was a perfect ending of our relationship and that was all that I asked for <3 I will not destroy it by trying to have him back. Cuz he doesn't want me back at all. I know that, and I know that if I call, he wouldn't answer for sure...
Well, right after I meet D*mon and M*cio, and they told me that they where going to the performance "Unfamiliar faces". Well, I joined them instead of going home. Then I saw V*ctor, the cute guy from Åsa. For me it was like "wow, if I kiss this guy today then I will have kissed three guys today! :D" But I didn't get a kiss.. I just spent a little time with him and the people from Åsa right after the show.
After that I went home. Cam called! I told him about St*ve and Jemy. Gosh, I can't bealive that I was kissing Jemy for a whole day and five minutes later I kissed St*ve! <3 I love him.. Well, I was so happy that I even told Cam that I loved him so much that my hands coldn't show it! XD
Then I got inside the house again, Jan was online on Facebook. So we started talking, somehow we started talking about S*x. And he was intressted in me, wow :P But there was only one thing that irritated me. I said that I could possible fall in love with him and then he said that I should not do that and that we only should have s*x with eachother. B*TCH! I'm searching for love, not s*x...:/ I want him to fall in love with me! Not only want to have S*x with me.
I just want somebody to love me
In the right way
...I saw ST*VE!!!! <3 <3 He was in a hurry, yeah right... Well I told him that I loved him and that I missed him and I kissed him. He told me that "I love you too". Maybe it was cuz I said it first. Then he said that I should call him and that we needed to talk. Well, I didn't call him. But that was a perfect ending of our relationship and that was all that I asked for <3 I will not destroy it by trying to have him back. Cuz he doesn't want me back at all. I know that, and I know that if I call, he wouldn't answer for sure...
Well, right after I meet D*mon and M*cio, and they told me that they where going to the performance "Unfamiliar faces". Well, I joined them instead of going home. Then I saw V*ctor, the cute guy from Åsa. For me it was like "wow, if I kiss this guy today then I will have kissed three guys today! :D" But I didn't get a kiss.. I just spent a little time with him and the people from Åsa right after the show.
After that I went home. Cam called! I told him about St*ve and Jemy. Gosh, I can't bealive that I was kissing Jemy for a whole day and five minutes later I kissed St*ve! <3 I love him.. Well, I was so happy that I even told Cam that I loved him so much that my hands coldn't show it! XD
Then I got inside the house again, Jan was online on Facebook. So we started talking, somehow we started talking about S*x. And he was intressted in me, wow :P But there was only one thing that irritated me. I said that I could possible fall in love with him and then he said that I should not do that and that we only should have s*x with eachother. B*TCH! I'm searching for love, not s*x...:/ I want him to fall in love with me! Not only want to have S*x with me.
I just want somebody to love me
In the right way
Today I kissed Bboy Jemy
Well, all day was kinda depressing. I was like texting the cute guy from Åsa, Jan, Cam and Della..I wanted to hear "I love you" from any of this guys that I found attractive. I even texted W*lliam..
Then I texted Jemy.. It was like "hey :) Do you wanna hang out today?" And we did, at first I had a great time with him, laughting and stuff.. Then he pulled me close to him. I actually liked that.. But then he kissed me.. To be honest it was an awful kiss. He grabbed one of my boobs emediately.. Eww, I really didn't like that. Then he was touching my ass, under my pants.. And that feelt awful. It was desgusting. Well, he was really attractive untill the moment he kissed me. He just did it soooo WRONG! And he has a fianceey.. So I stopped wich I'm very proud of and said "Your very attractive but I don't want to kiss you cuz you have a girlfriend". It was hard but I did it. This has happened with me to many times.. Fist with St*fan and then with Fre*ze. Now I learned my lesson.
If he likes me, he will leave the other girl for me. If he doesn't do that, it only means that he is a cheater! Well, he told me that he could do that for me and that he liked me and that I could be his girlfriend..
Well, as I learned from St*ve.. He got to prove it and stand for what he says. Actions speak louder than words.. Well, he is attractive and I will need someone to have s*x with when I stop bleeding (and a boyfriend). So I wish he makes this right. Or else he can go to hell!
Then I texted Jemy.. It was like "hey :) Do you wanna hang out today?" And we did, at first I had a great time with him, laughting and stuff.. Then he pulled me close to him. I actually liked that.. But then he kissed me.. To be honest it was an awful kiss. He grabbed one of my boobs emediately.. Eww, I really didn't like that. Then he was touching my ass, under my pants.. And that feelt awful. It was desgusting. Well, he was really attractive untill the moment he kissed me. He just did it soooo WRONG! And he has a fianceey.. So I stopped wich I'm very proud of and said "Your very attractive but I don't want to kiss you cuz you have a girlfriend". It was hard but I did it. This has happened with me to many times.. Fist with St*fan and then with Fre*ze. Now I learned my lesson.
If he likes me, he will leave the other girl for me. If he doesn't do that, it only means that he is a cheater! Well, he told me that he could do that for me and that he liked me and that I could be his girlfriend..
Well, as I learned from St*ve.. He got to prove it and stand for what he says. Actions speak louder than words.. Well, he is attractive and I will need someone to have s*x with when I stop bleeding (and a boyfriend). So I wish he makes this right. Or else he can go to hell!
Long time ago I got this swolen eyes :/
It was a looong time ago I had this swolen eyes.. I think it was like back in the days when I had a total crush on Fre*ze or when I got bulliet with R*xy at school. I can't continou like this....
I got to find a way to make myself so happy that I would never cry again. I'm so sick of crying and I don't wanna do it anymore. If I continou like this, then love will get me killed some day.. :S
Well, I just got 200kr from my dad. Yeay. I better start saving the money cuz I just might need it a beautiful day.
I think I wanna go to that trip to South Africa to meet St*fan again..It would be a fun trip. But I don't know if I should. He choosed his girlfriend instead of me. I'm just stupid to still like him. I thought it was something special, but if I look at the facts, like that I never heard from him again, it proves that it wasn't. Why do I always get a very bad eye-opener all the time when it comes to love? Can't I just get the fairytale that I wanted?
Can't stop crying!!! :'(
Today I was at home with my sister. I took a long walk cuz it was warm outside and eat a chocolate. Then I went home to fix myself before practis. I went to Alby and I saw Cam but the prectise was caseled. So we went to eat. He invited <3 I really love that guy.. On our way home I saw my mom. Said bye to Cam and went for a walk with mom. I told her everything. Even about J.C*rlos!! Then I saw my Brother and went home with him. When I got home I really hoped that Jan was going to be online, bu he wasn't :(..
Now I can't sleep cuz I'm crying to much. I miss St*ve so much :( He dumped me... I wish he never had done that. I wish he loved me. I wish that he would have stayed. I never knew I could feel this much pain... I really loved him with all my heart. I'm suffering so much right now :( I can't stand it...
Now I can't sleep cuz I'm crying to much. I miss St*ve so much :( He dumped me... I wish he never had done that. I wish he loved me. I wish that he would have stayed. I never knew I could feel this much pain... I really loved him with all my heart. I'm suffering so much right now :( I can't stand it...
